in

How to Get Your Toddler Children to Fucking Sleep

how to get your toddler to sleep

It’s been a long day at the pool hall and all you want to do is watch the new Netflix show about people being murdered, but you can’t do that until little Dustin gets his ass under the covers.

How can we make this happen?

It’s a good idea to start with a warning, maybe 30 minutes or so before Daddy has to start stuffing his face. “Paisley, Daddy’s about to head up to put your PJ’s on, then we’re going to read the first few pages of that book, then we’re going to shut the light.”

You’ll want to make this a nightly ritual so little Irwin knows what to expect. If you couldn’t get to the end of Good Boy, Fergus! by David Shannon last night, he understands your limitations as a parent and isn’t expecting you to finish it now.

There’s a good chance young Windy might try to throw you some bullshit curveballs at this point, telling you she’s thirsty or hungry or that she just crapped. Be prepared with swift answers, so as to prevent any dilly-dallying.

Then it’s time to tuck the little guy or gal in, and if he or she is saying he or she wants to stay up to play or read or whatever, you can pretty much tell him or her that you’ll “do that tomorrow,” because he or she definitely won’t remember shit.

Now it’s time to get the hell out. Army crawl if you have to. Just don’t let those floorboards creak, because the slightest sound may just awaken baby Enzo and ruin your entire night.



Written by Editorial Team

little mcflurry baby

Mom Gives Birth in Snowy McDonald’s Parking Lot; Nicknames Baby Boy “McFlurry”

cocomelon dad

The Dad from CocoMelon Has Been Hiding a Dark Secret, Until Now