Editorial Team
This article is satire, meaning nothing about it is true.
He’s one of the most popular Youtubers on the planet, lives in a perfect neighborhood, and has a decent enough looking wife.
But like many internet celebrities, Dan Schmidt (of CoComelon fame) has a whole bunch of dirt he’s been trying to keep hidden in the shadows for years.
To understand his journey, it’s important we start at the beginning: his ultra-privileged childhood.
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Dan grew up in a wealthy Connecticut suburb. His father, Günter, was a successful eye doctor. His mother, Kristy, owned a small tchotchke store in their upscale town. She sold very few items, but Günter was happy to pay the rent, as it got her out of the house and gave him the upper hand sexually.
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Dan’s childhood was filled with many nonessential indulgences: family trips to Fort Lauderdale; birthday parties at private country clubs with some of the most enormous blow up castles you’ve ever seen; and playdates with the children of famous household names like Frank Stallone, Louis Diamond Phillips and Wesley Snipes.
From the start, he was taught to believe he could have whatever he wanted – and do whatever he wanted.
This aside, he was a good kid. As a teenager, while many of his classmates were skipping school to buy OxyContin, Dan was excelling in ice hockey and getting good grades.
He had a bright future ahead of him. That is, until “it” happened.
Dan attended Haverford College where he joined a frat and became captain of the crew team. He was well-liked by both genders.
But he developed a weird (though short-lived) habit which would create devastation for years to come.
The first time he was caught defecating in ‘public’ was actually in his dorm room when his roommate Hao Feng (better known as “Puma” on campus) walked in to the sound of loud grunting and the sight of a bathroom door wide open and Dan’s CoComelons on full display.
“It wasn’t planned, but honestly, there was something about it I found very thrilling,” Dan told Floggled in an exclusive interview.
Things were awkward between the roommates that evening. But Dan couldn’t stop thinking about the rush of adrenaline he got from the experience. Puma could actually see him smirking under his covers.
When pressed to dig deeper into his psyche at the time, Dan admitted that the look of disgust and fear shown on his then-roommate’s face gave him a feeling of power.
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“This is my room, I’m shitting and that’s the bottom line,” Dan recalled thinking. Clearly, he still believed he could do whatever he wanted: a direct result of his affluent childhood.
Dan spent about a week basking in the moment, but the rush of the initial incident soon wore off.
He knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help himself: he had to do it again. And this time, it would be a real ‘public’ defecation.
Over the course of the next two weeks, Dan would shit everywhere: the courtyards, the library, the gymnasium, in hallways, and in classes he wasn’t even signed up for.
It wasn’t totally clear whether the act gave Dan any sexual gratification. Whenever we asked, he would change the subject and ask us if we liked the Dave Matthews Band.
One morning, Schmidt went to his Africana Studies class and sat in his regular seat in the back. But while trying to focus on the lesson, he noticed two boys in the corner, pointing and laughing at him.
“Yo, that’s the kid who keeps shitting everywhere!” said one of them. “Oh my god hahaha!” exclaimed the other.
Humiliated, Dan darted towards the pair and bludgeoned them both to death with a fire extinguisher.
With the assistance of a powerful attorney his dad paid for, Dan was successfully able to reduce his sentence by pleading insanity. The lawyer was able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Dan was in fact crazy, and it wasn’t actually that hard, given all the shitting he had been doing in different places.
Dan ended up spending 12 years at a state psychiatric hospital.
About two weeks after his release, Dan met Lovelle at a function. The two hit it off, and with the aim of starting his new life off on the right foot, he told her everything.
Given that Dan was so much better looking than Lovelle’s previous boyfriends, she decided it was in her best interest to accept his past. And while Lovelle wasn’t as hot as Dan’s former girlfriends, he knew that given his history, he’d have to slum it for a while, probably forever. So Dan and Lovelle stuck it out.
With a nasty blemish on his record, Dan knew he could never get that account executive job at the advertising agency in Manhattan. To make decent money, he’d have to go into business for himself.
That’s when he pitched Lovelle the idea of having kids so they could launch a family Youtube channel. It helped that Dan’s dad gave them a half-million-dollar loan for advertising.
