Christmas Means More Broken Penises: Study

Ho ho ho, don’t break your penis.

According to a recent study, men are more likely to suffer penile fractures during Christmas. At least German men.

The aim of the study, published in the British Journal of Urology International and conducted by urologists at Ludwig Maximilian University of Munich, was “To explore whether Christmas might be a risk factor for penile fractures due to the Christmas spirit related to the intimacy and euphoria of these holly jolly days.”

The results were pretty clear: “Last Christmas penile fractures occurred more often.” The data also found that penile fractures increase on weekends and during the summer, and that the average broken penis is attached to a 42-year-old man.

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The research team further explained that these injuries typically come from “a forceful bending of the erect penis during aggressive sexual intercourse featuring unusual sexual positions (e.g.,‘reverse cowgirl’).” Penises are also more likely to break during “unconventional scenarios” (doing it in a weird place, cheating, having sex with an object or animal…).

Some signs that you may have broken your penis: a loud crack, severe pain and a lost erection. Sometimes there’s even swelling and bruising.

The study analyzed German hospital data from 2005 to 2021, involving 3,421 men with penile fractures. According to the findings, if every day were like Christmas, there would be 43% more broken German dicks since 2005.

So, what’s going on here? Is it just freaky German dudes getting their bratwurst battered in preparation for the arrival of das Christkind? Or are people universally hornier during the holidays?

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, while people have the most sex during June and July, “there’s another surge that occurs in December and January before our bedrooms cool down again in the spring. Note that the winter peak seems to be highest during that holiday week between Christmas and New Year’s Day.”